Almost every time I tell anyone that being a stay at home mom is the hardest thing I have ever done, they immediately reply with “but also the most rewarding, right?”. To which I generally say “yes, of course!” However, I am always left feeling guilty because deep down I’m not sure I see it that way. Maybe I need to redefine my definition of rewarding.
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE being a mom. It is my biggest dream come true, but when I think of something being rewarding, I don’t generally envision changing diapers, being covered in spit-up, sleep deprivation and going days without any meaningful adult interaction, instead I think of having a career I’m passionate about. Curing cancer would be rewarding. Establishing public health practices in under served communities would be rewarding.
I love the fact that I get to be present for all of Asher’s firsts. His first smile, his first laugh, first roll, etc. Is being a stay at home mom really the ‘most rewarding’ though? Not really. At least not yet, not for me. It is hard work. It is lonely. It is testing. Sure it can be deeply rewarding in the sense that I have brought this amazing soul into this world, but I wouldn’t classify it as the most rewarding. The most important? Yes. The most rewarding? Not yet. Maybe this will change, after all my son is only four months old. I just think it’s important to be honest about these things, because if I’m feeling them, then someone else is too. There is too much of a culture of shame in the parenting community. It’s almost as though parents aren’t allowed to complain about how hard it can get, without also reaffirming how amazing it is and sometimes all this ‘putting our best feet forward’ is exhausting and leaves everyone feeling like they aren’t doing as good of a job as someone else.
I wish more parents would talk about the challenges they face or the tests they endure rather than always presenting their lives as perfect packages filled with rainbows, ribbons and professional looking photographs of gourmet meals that they post on pinterest. Let’s have a balanced perspective please. Yes, being a mom is wonderful and fulfilling in ways I never imagined and I am so thankful every single day for being able to take on this role, but if you drop by unannounced, you will find my house in various stages of disorder and chaos. The bed won’t be made, there will be a laundry basket of clean clothes that has been sitting in the living room for days waiting to be folded, baby clothes, pacifiers and tissues will be strewn about the house and don’t even ask when the last time the house was vacuumed. My son will generally be smiling after having just completed his most recent abstract expressionism masterpiece consisting of curdled sour milk spit-up in my hair, seriously, I don’t even bother to change into clean clothes most of the time because there is just no point. Being a parent is the best thing I have ever done but it has yet to be the most rewarding and that’s okay, it doesn’t make me any less of a great mom.
Lauren! So glad to see you writing 🙂 Thanks… I’m not a mom, yet – but I feel like this subject is taboo. And how can we be constructively building stronger and healthier individuals, families and societies, if we’re ashamed to talk about the reality of “life in the trenches”!?
Thank you Aimee! Life in the trenches!! I love it! You’re so right, sometimes the taboo subjects are the ones that need to be addressed the most in order to break down barriers to progress.
Everyday as a mom i struggle to find my inner happyness too. I totally understand im home with three. Everyday im swallowed in the house work and wounder how anyone could love this and often feel like im not as perfect as the other moms i know. I loved this post.:-)
Thank you so much! If only we could all be real and honest about this process maybe we’d all feel support rather than the need to compare ourselves to others. Don’t be too hard on yourself about the house work, I realized I’m a stay at home mom and not a stay at home house keeper. Being a mom is a full time job in and of itself, so Raf and I divide the house work between ourselves. He keeps saying that he can’t wait for the kids to be old enough to do it. haha.
I’m the first to admit that motherhood is hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. There are days where I just want to sit in my closet with the door closed and cry my heart out because I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I’m tired, my house is a mess, my boobs are sore, I haven’t had any alone time with my husband since giving birth… it can all be so overwhelming at times. And the person you’re bending over backwards for and waking up three times a night for doesn’t offer up any thanks or show you any signs of appreciation at all. How the heck are we supposed to feel like this is rewarding? I know we moms have the most important job out there but I totally agree that it doesn’t necessarily feel rewarding. I did get a big laugh out of Layla the other day for making goofy faces, though, so that was pretty darn awesome 🙂
I’m with you Lady! That’s awesome about the laugh! Success!
Lauren,
When Hilary was newborn, I was unemployed, but freelancing. I went back to work full time when she was 9 months old. I had a fabulous Baha’i day care. AND I DIDN’T HAVE ANY GUILT. None. My father (your great uncle Allyn) passed away when I was 4. My mom starting working then.
I learned every thing about my work ethic from her. And Hilary, in turn has learned the same from me. Every woman, and the time she parents in are unique. And yet we are all tied together with the same bonds of maternal love and an instinct to do what’s best for our children. Just what that means can’t be neatly tucked into any set definition. We must reserve judgement on each other and ultimately, ourselves.
What your children remember most is how you make them feel. A working mother who is happy in her trade can be a great example and inspiration to their child, just as a woman who finds great fulfillment in staying at home.
Well put, thanks for sharing!